Narcissists and Exes: Understanding Post-Divorce Possessiveness

It is not uncommon to witness a narcissist#8217;s possessive behavior even after ending a relationship. While some may dismiss this as a rare occurrence, research and personal experiences suggest that possessiveness can be a common trait among narcissists in their post-divorce dynamics. This article delves into the reasons behind this behavior and provides insights from a personal account.

Causes of Possessive Behavior in Narcissists Post-Divorce

Narcissists exhibit possessive behavior after ending a relationship due to several psychological factors:

Control and Power

Narcissists often strive to maintain control, not just during the relationship but also post-divorce. This can manifest in various ways, such as persistent calls, texts, or attempts to rekindle the relationship. They may fear losing control and, consequently, their perceived status and validation through the relationship.

Fear of Abandonment

Although narcissists end relationships, they often have an underlying fear of being abandoned. When they see their ex-partners dating or moving on, this fear can trigger possessive feelings as a means to pre-emptively hold onto them.

Self-Esteem Issues

Their self-worth is often tied to their relationships. The sight of an ex-partner with someone else can seriously impact their self-image and lead to possessive reactions. This is because it questions the value they see in themselves and their past actions.

Manipulation

Narcissists may use possessiveness as a tool to manipulate their ex-partners. This can involve evoking guilt or insecurity to regain a sense of control and hold onto them.

Lack of Empathy

One of the defining characteristics of a narcissist is their lack of empathy. This makes it difficult for them to understand or respect their ex-partners#8217; autonomy and feelings, leading to possessive behavior.

While not all narcissists will exhibit this behavior, it can be a common trait in their post-relationship dynamics.

A Personal Account

My personal experience with a narcissist during high school and college offers a vivid example of their post-divorce possessiveness. She would often dump me for someone else but keep me on the line as a backup plan, a role she referred to as a "secondary supply."

Even after the final break-up in 1985, she continued trying to rekindle the relationship. She believed that if we all matured, we could make it work again. This possessiveness extended beyond the typical duration one might expect from a sane person.

After I married another man in 1993, her mother showed up at my mother's office with a newspaper article about my upcoming marriage. Her mother informed her that I should have still waited for her. Later that week, the narcissist called my mother from another state, crying and apologizing for "mistakes" she had made. She claimed she was still single and that her past partners had all been "mistakes." She insisted that we try again and asked my mother if she thought I could be happy with my new husband. She even asked for my mother's phone number.

My mother did not tell me this until a reunion in 2021 as a warning to me in case I ran into her.

Lessons learned from this experience include:

Narcissists can exhibit possessive behavior for an extended period, longer than what would be considered reasonable or healthy. Narcissists do not change, and you may encounter similar behavior in their subsequent relationships. Many narcissists come from narcissistic families, which can influence their behavior. Pay heed to warnings from your mother or close family members. If they think someone is too toxic for you, it is likely true.

Believing that a crazy person could draw you in and abuse you is not your fault. Gain insight from the experiences of others and remember that you are a good person with remarkable qualities that deserve a healthy and meaningful life.