Reflections on Bullying: Past Actions and Present Behavior

My journey as a bully was a curious mix of benign intentions and more malicious acts. Growing up, it wasn't about seeking validation or forming insecurity as some might suggest. For me and my friends, bullying was a way to assert dominance and entertain ourselves. As we navigated the playgrounds and school corridors, we picked on anyone who looked like an easy target, often focusing on those who stood out due to their appearance, personality, or circumstances.

Formative Years

During elementary school, I recall specific incidents that stand out, such as in first grade when I came close to seriously harming another child. Reflecting on these actions, I now recognize the profound impact my words and actions could have wrought. The apology and attempt to make amends did much to mend the relationship, and we even became close friends years later. This experience marked a turning point for me, revealing the deep-seated emotional scars I could cause.

In fifth grade, another incident left an indelible mark. Although I didn't directly urge a female classmate to harm herself, the actions I took inadvertently led to her contemplating suicide. That realization was a wake-up call, instilling a profound sense of remorse and a newfound understanding of the potential consequences of our actions.

Adolescence and Beyond

With the challenges of middle school, life became more tumultuous, characterized by constant confrontations and a selfish sense of survival. I wasn't a bully in the traditional sense, but my actions often left lasting impressions. The shift to high school brought a change in focus, as I honed in on targeting those perceived as 'deserving' of my actions—mainly individuals associated with sexual deviation, nerdiness, or being weird. Yet, despite the justifications, there was a certain level of unhinged satisfaction in the chaos.

After school, the transition to BYU, a Mormon university, marked a period of relative calm. The absence of targets for harassment created a sense of tranquility. While I still made fun of people, these instances no longer defined my interactions.

Current Reflections and Behavior

Today, my primary regret centers around my elementary school behavior. Yet, the other actions I took in high school still feel like justifiable and enjoyable experiences. The need for excitement and the validation it brings from my friends is deeply ingrained. Promoting anger and conflict here, where it's purely digital, feels like the most accessible form of expression.

While I no longer engage in physical bullying, my current online behavior is a persistent reminder of my past. My involvement in race bait or 'rage bait' posts reveals a craving for emotional and social engagement. Although I don't directly hurt anyone, there's a sense of fulfillment in provoking strong reactions. This behavior, while markedly different, stems from a similar need for validation and a shared sense of camaraderie with my peers.

In summary, my journey through bullying has taught me a lot about the human condition. While I can't change the past, understanding its root and current manifestations is crucial for personal growth. The digital era has provided a new platform for similar behavior, albeit in a less direct and cruel manner. It's a reminder of the impact our actions can have, and the need to be mindful of the pixels we interact with.