Understanding the Difference Between Being Discarded and Shelved by a Narcissist

Dealing with a narcissist can be complex and emotionally taxing. It's crucial to understand the different dynamics that can occur within an intimate relationship that involves a narcissist. Specifically, knowing the difference between being discarded and being shelved can help you navigate your emotional state and potential actions moving forward.

Discarding and Shelving: Two Different Scenarios

When a narcissist discards someone, it involves a complete devaluation and abandonment. This can appear as a sudden end to the relationship, a cut-off of all contact, and a complete disinterest in maintaining any connection. In such cases, the discard is often final and serves to assert control over the victim. It's not because the narcissist wants something, but rather, because they've lost interest.

In contrast, when a narcissist shelves someone, they might temporarily put the relationship on hold or distance themselves without fully ending it. This behavior is meant to maintain control and ensure the victim remains available when the narcissist decides they need them later. When a narcissist shelves you, they are often holding you as an option to fulfill their own needs at a later time. This is a more delayed form of manipulation, allowing them to control the situation.

Narcissistic Tactics: Testing and Devaluation

Narcissists may employ testing behaviors to assess the victim's loyalty, compliance, or emotional response. These can include creating situations that provoke a reaction or deliberately provoking the victim to see how they’ll respond. The nature of narcissistic testing is rooted in devaluation, a core feature of their abusive behavior.

When a narcissist discards someone, it signifies a failed test. Narcissists manipulate others by seeking validation and feeding on their fear and anxiety. If the victim shows any form of defiance or doesn't bend to their will, they may discard them. This is often coupled with the belief that the victim ‘had the audacity to be mad’ or complain about their actions. However, understanding that this is their disorder can help in processing the hurt and anger.

Permanent Devaluation and Abandonment

Once you have faced a discard, it is unlikely that you will ever fully exit the devaluation phase. Both discarding and shelving can recur, and the emotional state of devaluation can persist.

Narcissists might initiate these actions due to various triggers, including infidelity, loss of interest, or other personal issues. Regardless of the reason, once you are discarded, the narcissist has made a definitive decision that you are no longer valuable to them. This is a profound and deeply hurtful realization.

It's worth noting that narcissists lack the capacity to completely pass over the devaluation phase. Once they devalue you, it will be a permanent state of mind for them. This means that any actions or words of the past, such as cheating, lying, gaslighting, or treating you like an enemy, will always be part of their mindset.

The narcissist's actions are a reflection of their disorder, and the devaluation is a method they use to assert control and manipulate others. However, once they start exhibiting abusive behavior, that behavior will continue to manifest in various forms, regardless of what they might discard or shelve you for.

Conclusion

Understanding the difference between being discarded and shelved by a narcissist is essential in navigating the complexities of such relationships. Recognizing these dynamics can help you better understand the true nature of a narcissist's behavior and the emotional impact it has on you. If you find yourself in such a situation, know that you are not alone and resources are available to help you through the healing process.

Key Points:

Discarding: Complete devaluation and abandonment by a narcissist. Shelving: Temporarily putting a relationship on hold to maintain control and availability. Narcissistic Testing: Techniques used to assess loyalty, compliance, and emotional response.

Resources:

Self-help books on narcissistic relationships. Professional counseling and therapy.